Insanely Insane Crackfics
by absolutely.ari
Summary: Whatever pairings I pull out of a hat/box/whatever. :D Be prepared for anything a little mature, AU, whatever... R&R! Disclaimer: I don't own.
1. Chapter 1

Dark. Cold. Guilty.

Those three words was what a certain boy of long-gone Briarwood was feeling as he lay in a bed. Not his girlfriend's bed, not his-someone else's.

He gave a start as a stunning girl-who was, by the way, half-naked-walked into the room, her hips swaying from side to side.

"Helloooooo, Chrissie!" she shrieked, throwing her arms in the air while the towel wrapped around her torso threatened to fall off; of course, not that it wasn't anything the girl-dubbed "Chrissie" had seen before.

"Wasn't last night just… marvelous?" she gushed, spinning around and collapsing on top of his lap.

"Yeah, just _marvelous_," "Chrissie" grunted. He pushed her off of him, walking around in the **dark**.

"What's wrong, Chris?" the girl pouted, straightening. She flashed a blinding white grin. "Or should I say, Sirk?" she giggled, leaning too far to one side and falling over onto the bed.

Chris closed his eyes, feeling the sudden _cold_ as it washed over him. He was so sick and tired of her infatuation with saying names backwards. "Say, why don't you show me what you learned last night?" he said mischievously, his eyes lighting up.

"Of course, Chris," the girl replied, sitting up and stretching out a leg. "Now, come up here beside me…"

She had no need to continue. Chris jumped onto the bed with a belly flop, eagerness spreading over his face.

Chris leaned up close to her face, breathing heavily and recoiled. "God, your breath stinks!" he cried, waving a sun-browned hand in front of his face, trying to block the woman of his affair's vodka-laced breath.

She pouted, eyes drooping sadly. "But Chris," she said, giving him the saddest look she could muster up, "I only had one drink!"

_As if_, he thought inwardly, and looked her in the eye-"Go get some mouthwash!"

The girl frowned. "Fine, but I'm not showing you what I did tonight!" she said, stamping her bare foot in mock frustration.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Gimme the vodka," he said, standing up and holding out his hand. Fawn let out a sigh, letting her blonde hair flop into her eyes as she slouched into the bathroom and retrieved her hidden stash of the alcohol.

"Here you go," said Fawn glumly as she dropped the half-empty vodka bottle and two glass cups into Chris's waiting hands.

"Perfect!" Chris exclaimed, cradling the bottle like a long-lost child. "Now we can get wasted together."

Fawn's face took on an extremely confused look. "But I thought you didn't like the smell?" she said, crinkling her eyebrows.

Chris held back a heaving sigh-wait, why'd he do that? He had to admit, she did have a point… he shrugged it off and filled a cup up. "Cheers," he said, filling the other to the brim and putting one in Fawn's hand. He clinked his to hers and simultaneously, they tipped the glasses back into their mouths.

Chris wiped his mouth, feeling the aftershock. "Let's have more," Fawn suggested, her eyes glinting. Chris couldn't hold back. Her perky B-Cups were staring him in the face as the towel had slipped off.

He grabbed her by the waist and attacked her glossy mouth while she slipped her hands behind his head. Fawn detached her mouth from Chris's and breathed into his ear, "One last night together?"

"Over my dead body," he grunted in reply.

Fawn shrugged and let their mouths merge together again. Then once more, she whispered, "Good."

Chris looked her in the eye. "Good, because I like you."

Fawn smirked. "I like you too, Chris Plovert."

And he didn't feel GUILTY anymore.

* * *

**A/N: Like it? I was doing one of those fill-out q&a things I got from I think Dernier Cri's profile, and in the names I saw Fawn and Chris Plovert... well, I put them down. And-voila! Crack pairing! :) More coming in an hour. I need to eat right now... update on Highlight, Copy, and PASTE coming! And look out for the prequel to Looking Back!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews, guys! Okay, because I took 12 days to update, you get 2 chapters. Fair? Fair! Okay, so there's 11 total crackshots. And there will be slash, because I wrote numbers 1-20, and my sister picked two numbers. So say number 1 is Kori, and number 22 is Rupert Mann. Then the pairing would be KorixRupert-ew! Haha, sorry... but if the numbers my sister picked were like CamxMassie, or DerrickxKristen, I shot it down because we see lots of those. Well, not lots, but they're heard of and mine aren't. :D Have fun!**

* * *

"Chris! You can't just stay there for the rest of summer!" Layne Abeley called over the excruciatingly loud heavy metal that was currently blaring ou of her older brother's room.

No answer.

"Chris"? Layne tried. "I think I'm losing brain cells!" she pleaded, shaking her head sideways as to make a point.

Still no answer.

And then a laugh. High-pitched, like he was doing his falsetto at the singing contest at her fifth birthday party, ten years ago.

"I can hear you!" Layne shouted, wondering why he laughed and why she could hear him. Suddenly, she realized-the music was gone.

A loud thunk. Layne narrowed her eyes. She was _so_ going up there. Layne Abeley scurried to her room, searching for a big rock or piece of wood.

* * *

10 minutes previously:

"How great is this song?" Chris Abeley whisper-yelled, trying to make himself heard over the loud music that he was playing on his stereo.

His companion, a fifteen-year-old teenager, grinned wordlessly at him.

"Like it?"

"Hate it!" she shot back, eyes gleaming wickedly.

A faint call from downstairs was heard.

"Should we go check and see what happened?" she asked, her brow furrowed as she strained her ears to hear Chris's little sister.

"Nah, no worries," Chris replied, waving a big hand in the air. "Probably just seeing if I can make her a snack or something."

The teenager smiled back at him, shaking her head. "You never know, she may be in trouble," she pointed out. "Maybe she set her hair on fire or something. And besides, I'm her age too-you wouldn't want something to happen to me now, would you?" she asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes.

"The way she's acting? Definitely," Chris grunted back jokingly. "Like, seriously-there's only so much I can take! I mean, I'm fine-I don't care about Massie Block or Fawn anyway," he carried on briskly. "Now, what song do you want to hear?"

"I want to hear your ass shaking in my face," the girl said, beaming.

Chris raised his eyebrows. "Good one," he remarked, "but seriously?"

The girl gazed at him. "Do you think I'm joking?"

She was serious, and Chris had to smile. Slowly, but a smile was forming. "No," he replied.

His companion let out a loud laugh, tossing her hair back so it fell onto her shoulders. "So are you going to do it or what?" she asked, leaning back on a star-shaped pillow.

"Why not?" Chris shrugged. "After that we can play strip poker, right?"

"Right."

He turned around and did what she wanted.

"Phew! Take a bath, will you?" she cried, waving her slim hand in front of her face.

"Why don't you take one with me?" he grinned at her.

"Good idea, but I'd rather be dry then wet," she said.

"Okay!" He tackled her and they giggled, the girl pushing the guy off of bed.

"Ouch!" he snarled, banging his head on his bedside table.

"Ohmigosh, sorry sweetie!" she gasped, jumping off the bed and taking his head in her hands. "You okay?"

"I will be," he grunted.

"Good. Now let's get back to what we were doing…"

He looked up at her with fake hurt in his eyes. "What, you don't care about me?" he whined.

The teenager laughed. "Of course I do, Chris! It's just-I thought this would make you happier than a kiss on the head, right?"

"Right!" he grinned, jumping up. "Let's do it!"

* * *

20 minutes later:

"Aha! I'm coming for you, Chris!" screamed Layne, running into his door with a key in her hand. "Oops," she groaned, rubbing her now-bruised nose. "Ah, well." She stuck the key in, turned it, and grasped the doorknob, all with the quietness of nighttime.

BAM! She slammed into it, breaking the door open.

"Oh shit, Layne!" Chris Abeley yelled, yanking the blanket up over something. He had jumped up, hitting his head on the ceiling as he was on the bed.

Layne stared. "Who's that? And why does she have reddish hair? She's not Dylan Marvil, the famous Merri-Lee Marvil's daughter, is she?" she said sarcastically.

"Uh, no one… but what the hell, Layne?"

Layne kept staring at her underwear-clad brother and a probably naked fifteen-year-old girl her age. "_Strawberry_?"

What the hell, indeed.

* * *

**Ohimgod, that was SO fun! Review? :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**On the Swings**

"Ooh, loser number one… two… cuadero…" Alicia Rivera chirped, kicking her Marc Jacobs-shoed feet up and down.

Kristen Gregory looked at her friend warily. "Leesh, you do know that quatro means four?"

"Nuh-nuh-nuh-noooo it doesn't, mi compadre! It means thuh-reeeeeeee!" screeched Alicia, holding up five fingers as she glared at Kristen.

"Uh-huh. Sure it does-"

"Nuh-uh! You don't understahhhhnd, ahb-viously. I am the resident Spanish girlie, so I am the Spanish expert! Capeeeeesh?"

"What?"

"Ooh, did I tell you? Last night was _so_ dreamy! I had the most ah-mazing massage ever in my whole entire life! It was by someone… well, I can't remember who… oh well! In ticklish places… it felt _so_ good!" Alicia gushed, her bright brown eyes glazing as she remembered her previous night.

"What the _hell_ are you talking about, Alicia Rivera?" snapped Kristen, narrowing her eyes.

"Well I only got a massage!" said Alicia defensively, crossing her arms, which in turn covered her chest.

"Where, exactly?" Kristen said suspiciously, staring down the half-Spanish teenager.

"Like on my foot… it tickled!" Alicia giggled, breaking down in a spasm of laughter. After a few minutes she straightened, composing herself and covering her mouth as occasional giggles escaped. "Okay, okay… I'm fine… Anyways, it was also on my legs and shoulders… and, uh, other stuff…" Alicia let out another giggle, this time rather nervously.

Kristen stared at Alicia with a mixture of revulsion and pity on her face. "What the hell, Alicia?" she asked, not fully understanding. And then she got it. Her mouth widened into an O, her eyebrows rising higher up her forehead and she clapped a hand to her mouth. "Oh shit! You did not, Rivera!"

"And I don't remember what else, but it was fun!" Alicia rambled, her hands shaking.

"You went all the way? How could you, Leesh?"

"It was an accident!" she wailed. "And I don't even know if it happened, okay?" she added, crossing and uncrossing her legs.

"Who?" Kristen's voice rang in the cold, frosty winter air.

"I-I told you, I don't know," Alicia stuttered unconvincingly.

"_Who_?"

Alicia took a deep breath. "It's…"

* * *

**Behind a Bush**

"Dude, no way. You went all the way with Alicia Rivera, the hottest girl in the world!" Derrick Harrington squealed giddily, bumping fists with Kemp Hurley. "How'd you get to home base?"

Kemp looked at Derrick in disgust. "You sound like a girl."

The teenager he was talking to rolled his eyes. "I don't see why we have to do this," he complained. "It's bad enough it happened. And Hotz is gonna kill me once he finds out!"

"But he _won't_," Chris Plovert pointed out, raising a finger. "And bad enough? Au contraire, my dear boy. The best thing, you mean."

"Oh yeah, Plovert, he definitely won't, seeing as you are the worst secret-keeper in the world," the teen scoffed. "And it was the worst thing to happen! Just because you _say_ he won't doesn't mean he won't!"

Plovert glared at him defensively. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kemp raised a hand and cleared his throat. "Ahem, I believe I shall clarify!" he said dramatically.

The other three boys looked at him skeptically.

"What? My mom made me take drama class," Kemp complained. They all shrugged and looked at him, waiting for him to say something.

"All three of us and Fawn-"

Someone whispered, "And yo mama-" without Kemp or Plovert noticing.

"Know that you've been cheating on Kori with Fawn. No concerns there, bro. I don't see how you can go out with the slouch-master of the world," Kemp stated proudly.

Derrick and the mysterious teenager nodded in agreement.

Plovert sighed. "You followed me and spied, didn't you?"

Kemp and Derrick exchanged looks. "Erm, ahhhh… no we didn't!" Derrick said hastily.

"You did."

"Yeah," Kemp admitted. "But it doesn't matter! You guys were like all drunk and stuff, so we left and went home."

"Oh, good," Plovert said, visibly relaxing.

"Shh!" the other boy hissed, his spine stiffening.

"What?" the three other boys asked curiously.

"Rivera is saying something."

* * *

**Back on the Swings**

"It's Griffin. Hastings. You know, Griffin Hastings… I think."

"Oh, my gawd."

"Yeah, I guess… he was good, though. But I wish it was Josh," Alicia said wistfully.

"No, I meant oh my gawd. I'm gonna kill you!" Kristen screamed.

"No, please!" Alicia pleaded. "I can't run!"

* * *

**Back in the Bushes**

"Nice," Derrick snorted.

"Kristen's going to kill her, Kristen's going to kill her," Kemp sang. "Josh is going to kill you, Josh is going to kill you!"

Plovert looked at Griffin straight in the eye. "You're dead. So, so dead."


End file.
